Day kicked of as it pretty much always does in Broome, nice and warm and sunny a bit of a morning breeze but otherwise pretty much nigh on perfect. So I get into my uniform and head for work, start up the bus and away I go... next stop Chinatown office for the manifest. Now most days the first run has between 6 and 10 people onboard not so today!! Today there were just 3 for the first tour... COOL I think as I head of to start collecting them and kick the day of.
So I head out to the Mecure hotel to pick up number 1 passenger... mmmm old fella sorta a bit you know distant, unsure you know so check his ticket no probs "take a pew mate and we'll go pick up the others and get into it" he sits... empty bus right? Right! So wheres he sit? you would think right up the front right? NOPE!!! WAY DOWN THE BACK he wanders trying out this seat then that one then another till finally hes right down near the rear door as far from me as you could get... off to a good start huh!
I grab the mic and slip it over me noggin an try to arc up a bit of the old convo with the old fella... and I look in the rear vision mirror and see his lips movin but no sound... mmmmm... so I took the headset/mic back off and simply drove out to pick up the other 2 at the Cable Beach Club resort... no probs right!
So we arrive and theres two people hot foot it over and straight onto the bus... "gidday" says I in me bestest Aussie voice "you must be the (((insert weird French sounding name))) the woman just hobbles onboard and looks around and of course being disabled she heads for... THE BACK OF THE RUDDY BUS!!!... strewth... the bloke gets on nods hands me the ticket and mutters something in what I think was French but since I cant talk anything other than flamin Aussie it was all gobbledegook to me so I simply smile nod my head and wait for him to park his arse on a pew... and were off... yep all 3 were down the BACK of the bus... so I tell them that they are it there are no more to get on... absolute silence and blank looks... mmmmm
So I think okay theyre all havin a bad hair morning and head for Cable Beach itself to start the tour... I tell them its cool to leave their gear on the bus as I will lock it and we will only be up the slight hill so no probs... get out lift first me left arm have a wiff mmm smells as it should Patchuli... lift the right arm have a wiff yep Patchuli again... okay so it cant be me I check me manic locks yep all in the right sorta place... check shirt yep done up as it should be checked me fly yep zipped up and nothing out of place... okay so Im reassured its NOT me!!
We head up the hill and... one heads north one heads south and the other one just sorta drifted around the bus!!! geeeeeezzzzzzzz was this ever gonna be one of THOSE days!!
I round em up and herd em up the slight hill and spread me arms akimbo "Welcome to Cable Beach" says I and starts me speil waffling about where it got its name and the tides and all the interesting stuff... then as I turn to start the speil about the Cable Beach Club and Lord Allistair McAlpine who in many ways put Broome on the tourist map... stuff that is USUALLY very interesting to the touristas.... I look around... mmmmm
The woman had wandered off and was heading rapidly down the stairs toward the beach!!! The bloke was off with his camera taking photos like a demented Japanese tourist on steroids while the other bloke had wandered back to the bus and was just walking back and forth muttering to himself... so can anyone say "mmmmmm"
So I round em up again like a fanbloodytastic Kelpie sheep dog and finally get them together and gently tell them that it would help A LOT if they would just stay together... a couple of blank nods were received and a few muttered grunts... okay they got the message Shane no probs on with the show!! So I arc up again an give em both barrels!!! Oh man when I gets me dander up I gets it up!!! Info was flyin like a mass of F111 jets on a mission... oh Ive never let fly so well ;o)
I get to the end look around and notice that the woman and bloke that I picked up last were waffling along rather insanely in the French sounding sounds that emitted from their rapidly moving lips while the other bloke stood rocking back an forth a troubled look on his head... mmmmmm so first things first I checked the front of the rocking blokes strides... whew!! no wet patch! okay so hes just plainly not quite with me "one of the special ones" no probs... I look at the two jabbering ones and the woman had gone silent while the bloke was going 100 t0 1 with his lips man was he going OFF!!! seriously I thought he was gonna whack her one... but she looked at him with a smile and jammered quietly back then he arced up the camera again flash flash flashitty flash taking pics of everything and anything that moved!!
So... can we say "mmmmmm" yet?!! TO BLOODY RIGHT WE CAN!!!
So rounding them up again proved pretty quick and easy and into the bus I herded them... tell them its OKAY to sit up the front IF they wanted... mmmm straight down the back they headed!!! strewth! I mean strike me roan I dont smell THAT BLOODY BAD!!!
I get back in muttering to myself before I opened the door and jumped into the drivers seat... shutting the door I bunged on the headset/mic... I can play that game too I thinks to meself... and arced up the sound!! Ooooh yeah I sounded like an Aussie Elvis I did!!! No wukkers... so we head out again tourin around Cable Beach estate me yammering away as I always do the price of houses the price of rents why theres no gutters no mail boxes and so forth... look up and back at the threesome... distant looks on all three faces!!!
Seriously I was begining to worry by now!! I mean so far in me new ubeaut career change as a tour guide Id been congratulated and feted as a pretty good guide and told a fairly good yarn "interesting" you know? Hell even the ex had said "with your gift of the gab you should do well" and heck I HAD BEEN... So what the blazes had happened had I lost my mojo???
Im feelin a tad wierded out by now but like they say in the theatre and stage "on with the show" so I carried on... we drove down Gubinge Rd toward the newest area of Broome "6 seasons" and stopped and did the speil there and didnt look back just kept going... then we set off for Gantheume point... no spark no looks of interest just a small muttering from the bloke way down the back in the corner... mmmmmm
Now the stories that surround Gantheume Point are pretty INTERESTING... normally... today they all went down like the proverbial LEAD BALLOON!!! nothing seemed to work to spark them... as the comedian said as his jokes flopped "hard crowd this one" but I stuck to it!! walked them down the long track to the dinosaur footprints gave them the talk about the massive Ospreys nest on the lighthouse then down to Annistasias pool... still NOTHING!! Dead pan as a mob of sheep being led to the slaughter they were... I was fair sweating here!!!
But I carried on regardless... and we made our way to the Golf Club... WHOA!!! Sudden commotion down the back the couple had jumped out of their seats and over to the right hand side yelling SOMETHING at the top of their lungs that made the other bloke cringe in his corner holding his hands over his ears muttering loudly... I took a quick glance to the right mmmm only the bloody wallaby's over there... but the bloke was on the move to the door banging on it holding his camera in the air with his missus yelling and hitting the glass of the window... good bloody grief!!! I pulled over to the shoulder and the blokes banging on the door looking angrily at me his camera in hand... flamin heck the buggars gone troppo and its not even the bloody wet yet! I thought and quickly opened the door... yep if some wierd sod is gonna go troppo it AINT gonna be on MY BUS!!!
Door was only half open and whooooosh he was gone! I checked the rear vision and there he was hunched down in the middle of the road snappin away with the camera and the sheilas going ballistic yelling at him from inside the bus... my mind was screamin 'just get of the bloody bus woman!!" but nope she was staying well inside and the bloke was creeping across the road taking photos every second!! Then he was gone from view behind the bush... the bus went silent... I looked back and the womans got her face hard up against the window tears started from her eyes and shes muttering something that sorta sounded like "Micheal Micheal" I shrugged must be the blokes name and had a gander at the other bloke who had lowered his arms again and was just staring at the sheila like a roo in the spotlights... I checked for the bloke outside and spotted him crawling toward a wallaby why was standing on his haunches staring at the thing crawling toward him... then it off!!! Bushed it he did!! the bloke stood and started running after it... geeeezflamincheeeeeeerist I though and hit the horn opened the door and headed after him calling him back... but I heard a manic screaming from behind me and had a quick glance changed course and raced back to the bus just in time I opened the door and ripped out the keys!! The sheila had raced up the front of the bus as soon as I left and got into the drivers seat! God knows where she was planning on taking of in my bus but lucky for me I made it back in time to reach in and rip the keys out... DAMN!! This day had turned out a flamin nightmare and it had only just begun!
I convinced the woman to get out of my seat and back down the bus somehow and clambered back in obviously she couldnt be trusted so I sat and hit the horn again... watching both out the side window and the rear vision mirror at the captive twosome down the back one sitting hunched up muttering away to himself and the other with her face glued to the window yammering something or other in that strange lingo... FINALLY!!! The bloke wandered out of the scrub with a massive smile on his face waving his camera around his head like some returning hero... mmmmmmm sigh
So I open up the door again and he gets in and comes up to me holding the camera pointing to the LED screen yammering whatever the blazes he was yammering so I take a look and see a picture of... a roo? I mean ALL THAT for a flamin pic of a flamin roo??? strewth this was turnin out to be a right royal day! I smile nod and put both thumbs up "Beauty mate no worries" I says and he nods scrunches up his eyebrows and goes "U boody maaaaite" and smiles hoists his thumb and grins like a maniac I nod "yeah thats it mate you beauty mate now please take yer seat eh" and nod down toward his missus whos frantically wiping tears from her face a huge smile on her face as she stared lovingly at him... down he walks chest out and hands his camera to her "boody maaaite" he laughs as he watches her looking at the picture she grins up at him and to be honest I dont think for her that there was anyone else on the planet at that moment just her hero... sigh so my romantic streak is still fully functional
We head off again the blokes trying to show the picture to the muttering fellow in the corner to no avail he was simply on another plane to us... so he turned back to his fawning missus and blew his chest out further "boody maaaite" he laughed again... I got back into me spiel again as we turned on the top of the slight hill over looking Roebuck Bay leaving them to their laughter kissing and strange lingo... we moved along and into town and turned up REALLY EARLY to the Chinatown office where we were to have morning tea provided in HALF AN HOURS TIME!!! ;o) ahhh to hell with it we went in anyway! So I settled them in yakked to the French Canadian girl and we got over my being so early and got them sorted... I went and parked up the bus and on my return Valerie the FC girl called me over "what did you do?" "ME???" she nodded her head "yes they say you are funny do you tell jokes on your tour?" "ME??? JOKES???" she looked a tad worried "well that is what Micheal said and Eveline laughed saying you were very nice" I looked from her to them and back several times shaking my head "ME? JOKES? ME???? I just do the tour as always" She grinned "well they like it... a lot" "REALLY??? SHYTE!!! I didnt think they could understand me!" she grinned "well Eveline cannot speak English and Micheal only speaks a little they are French" I shook my head again this day was turning into one heck of a "mmmmmmm" day!
So I left them to their morning tea and went and talked to the crew upstairs who would take them for the next part of the tour... the pearl divers part and the pearl sales part... I told them this was a bit of a hard group did they believe me? NOPE!!! not a bit so I simply smiled and told them Id bring them up in a few minutes "no worries" laughs little Racheal the little English pearl... I grinned to myself just wait smartynickers are you in for one hell of a shock girl!
After they had finished their morning tea I walked them up to the pearl luggars... only took 15 minutes to walk the 20 yards... sigh wanderers... I go in and get young Racheal and she comes out all full of confidence and cheeky swagger I smile as I introduce her to my threesome and promptly leave them to her!
Wandered down and sat to have a coffee and watch the upcoming fun and giggles... the mutterer had Racheal rather baffled especially when he put his head down and his hands to his ears and muttering started wandering away around the luggars she looked down at me sitting back sipping my coffee with a quizical look I shrugged and nodded... then I noticed the woman had wandered away and was heading toward the pearl shop while the hubby had started clicking away with the camera... Rach was LOST!!! totally confused and utterly baffled by the turn of events now completely out of her small hands... I grinned... got up and started rounding them up and leading them back to the little pearl "here you go better get them inside and get into it before they start wandering again Racheal" I say and shoo them inside she glanced at me with a strange look while I just winked and walked back to my coffee a smile on my dial... the day had just IMPROVED!!! ;o)
20 minutes later I looked up toward the luggars and the shop where I had sent Racheal to face the demons of my threesome and they started coming out the door... Rach glanced down at me sitting there looking at her and SMILED!!!.... what tha!!! She kept on hand on the womans back and the other on the mutterers back and lead them peacably out and into the pearl shop smiling and winking at me as she led them... initial thought was "sheep to the slaughter" and then shaking my head I grinned she really was a gem that little English pearl... I got another cuppa and waited
Eventually I had to get up and get the bus and arc up the aircon so we would be right to take off again... I wandered up to the pearl shop and there was the little English pearl grinning as she made a sale to the French bloke who was looking adoringly at his bride with a GIBLOODYNORMUS loop of pearls around her neck while smilin up at him... aahh aint love grand?... the mutterer? was simply wandering around looking at the pearls... QUIETLY! I mean his lips were moving but now there was nothing coming out of him!! I got worried what the heck had she done to them? then I grinned at her smiling face whatever she had done I just wish she had done it AT THE BEGINING of the tour!!!
With a wink to the English pearl and a quick nod to the wanderer we headed to the bus... all aboard? NO PROBS!!... and we off to the next step the Japanese Cemetary... and silence again... I looked back and the mutterer was silently looking out the window pointing at god alone knows what (he definantly was one of the special people) while the French couple were cuddling and whispering together... so I simply drove... went right past the cemetary and kept going down to the harbor and Entrance Point swung around checked the time drove back through town to Matsos and led them in for a beer tasting... Micheal and Eveline had a "Mango bier" while the mutterer had a "hit the toad" beer... pleasant ending to a SERIOUSLY WIERD tour!!
I took the mutterer back to his hotel first and he came almost running to the front of the bus handed me a note and smiled as he raised his hands to his ears and nodded quickly as he got of and moved into the hotel... I shook my head and put the note in my pocket and took the happy couple back to Cable Beach and their resort... When we arrived I opened the door and Eveline came up to me so I held my hand out and she leant forward and kissed both my cheeks a massive smile on her face and moved toward the door as Micheal came up to me shook my hand and reached out holding my face between his hands "boody maaaite" he said and kissed both my cheeks!!! FLAMIN ECK!!! A man hug I can take but a bloke kissin me??? STRIKE ME ROAN!!! he smiled and shook my hand again nodded and got of the bus muttering the strange French words and cheerily waved me goodbye then turning toward Eveline wrapped his arms around her and they kissed each other right there in the entranceway in front of about 30 people! I hit the horn and drove of to the sound of clapping and cheering from those watching the happy couple.
sigh... I headed back to Chinatown to get the manifest for the next tour... Rach and Valerie both caught up with me when I got there apparently the couple were a divorced couple who had decided to "try again" by having a holiday somewhere unique and totally different... and seemingly thanks to the three of us we had helped them well judging by the way they were when I left them I reckon theyre off to a great start!!... then I remembered the note the mutterer had given me and opened it... sat down and read it several times... his name was Brian and he had several disabilities and in his words he had never enjoyed himself as much as he had with us!!! he reckoned that not one of us nor the French couple had judged him or kept him out of any of what we did which is what he says generally happens and he thanked us all... INCREDIBLE!! he also said that he had had "the most wonderful tour" REALLY!!! WOW!!! I mean seriously I didnt think he was with me!! He also thought Racheal was the most beautiful woman he had seen (no disagreement here) and if someone didnt snatch her up soon he would come back and marry her which caused Racheal immense hysteria
The day got a LOT better after that!!!
Authors note... The names have been changed to protect the guilty... this is a yarn created by my mind encouraged by my imagination and enhanced by events and people in my life who enjoys creating yarns from moments of madness and mayhem in my life... is it true? is it false? only the author knows for sure and he will never tell for it would spoil the story lets just say its a yarn of great moment and leave it at that eh!! ENJOY YOUR DAY/NIGHT!!!
Shane... the wayward walkabout
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